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August 31, 2008

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My wife and I just split or rather I escaped . I have a high security job and any arrest will cost me my job.Yet she wants to get physical.Not understanding if I hit her back I would hurt her because I'm at my limit. Then I would go to jail for defending my self and loose our income .Can't talk to her with out this being my fault. Constly attacking my manhood calling me a coward .I'm an ExMarine and areal fighter martial arts since 14 now I'm 50.So I had to move to an undiclosed location because she tracked me by my debit card. If I didn't work at a secure location she might even try to get at me there.She scares me because she's unstable . I truly love her but I feel I have no choice but to leave I cant take the emotional abuse much less the physical. I dont trust her to control her self and now I dont trust myself to be able to turn the other cheek

Ken, I am a prior Army and understand your situation completely. I had to leave, finally, too, from a woman that I thought I loved, deeply.
In your case, the woman you are with seems to be baiting you in some way as a means of control..an abuse pattern..and also in to remain in denial of her own abuse patterns, this bating will allow her to view herself and convey herself to others as a 'victim' at the hands of a 'potentially violent Marine'. Believe me, the spin game happens fast with these women. The violence may be a means of control for her-but eventually it will be turned around on you to make you appear to be the instigator. I cannot begin to explain the cognitive reasons for her doing so, and it probably seems to make no sense to you whatsover, but reacting to it only puts you in a compromising situation.
Still, you have to understand that the law seems to often take the abusive females' position if and when (and yes, they will eventually arrive if you stay in that situation).
So protect yourself, even though I know you are not physically afraid of her, and often her outbursts might even seem a bit humorous, in the end, they will be dangerous to your mental health and your career!
It is easier said than done, but get yourself extricated from this situation ASAP...When safe, move and do not leave a forwarding address. Inform your family members of what is happening in order to start a paper trail. You might even need to file a restraining order. Also, change your cell phone number. NO CONTACT is hard, very hard at first, and you might even slip...especially if she is BPD and has tugged at your heartstrings...but in the end, it is for the best.
I have been there and often you will blame yourself (we ex military often take responsibility-we were trained to be responsible and accountable). This can work against you in these situations.
If she is good at manipulating your 'Hero' complex (again a military trait, unfortunately for us both-we are trained to be selfless, and look out for others) she will capitalize on this and eventually have you believing you are responsible for her behavior-this is called 'gaslighting'.
She might begin smear campaigns against you to defray attention away from her actions...all the while she will play on your heartstrings and have you believing you are the one at fault for her violent behavior! If in any way, you have taken responsibility for your part in the dysfuntion of the relationship, she will use that to remain in denial of her own and then hold you completely to blame.
Understand, she will not change if she has Borderline Personality Disorder Symptomology, especially is she is a 'higher functioning' borderline. They are the ultimate rationalists and will deny any wrong doing to protect their fragile 'false' personas they convey to everyone else but their intimate spouses, family members, etc.
I know it is hard to lose someone you think you love, but a little distance will put alot of clarity into the situation, my friend.
Read up on BPD.
Best of luck to you in your situtation.

Wow, Greg, you really nailed it. You're absolutely correct.

Many Borderline women have faked injuries, called the cops and had their partner hauled off to jail for domestic violence. Then the man loses his job, his reputation and many times his career.

Besides my 'Boomerang Love' book, I also recommend to men 'Siren's Dance: My Marriage to a Borderline'.

Siren's Dance is like my book - very experiential, not like a textbook. The author describes the conversation with his Borderline wife, her reactions, the chaos.

Male partners of Borderline women really identify with the story. To get away from his Borderline wife, the author literally moved to another country, on the other side of the planet, before she ruined his professional career.

Thanks for taking the time to write such a long comment. Your words will help many men.

I am definitely glad there is a thread about this! In 09 my girlfriend at the time who was Bipolar, and likely Borderline Personality Disorder as well, tried to kill me.

She came behind me when I was completely unaware and strangled me with my tie until I passed out. I woke up in another room behind the bed. It was very surreal and she acted like she was very remorseful.

But after that I broke up with her because she was out of control and she could have killed me. By the fact that she dragged me into another room while I was unconscious shows her intent was very devious. Maybe she thought I was dead and was thinking about what to do with me. Makes me shudder thinking about it.

I have moved on! She is now married with a baby. I hope her current relationship is better than ours.

Gavin, I honestly suggest you informing the husband of this incident, so when he gets abused he won't be totally blindsided and will realize the true psychotic she is.

I'd ask you why you didn't press charges, but it's probably for many of the same reasons I don't when I'm physically injured by my partner.

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