I'm a member of a Yahoo online community board for partners of Borderlines. One of the men recently posted his 101 Things I'm Tired Of list. I was so impressed with how clearly he expressed the pain, the sorrow, the anger, the sense of utter futility that he feels in his relationship with his wife. He generously agreed to allow me to share his pain with you.
1. I'm tired of being accused of being passive aggressive because I simply forgot to lower the toilet seat.
2. I'm tired of having things I say twisted around so that you perceive they hurt you more.
3. I'm tired of you always playing the victim and the one that was wronged.
4. I'm tired of the infrequent apologies from you.
5. I'm tired of the fighting.
6. I'm tired of the infrequent sex.
7. I'm tired of being criticized with "you never's" and "you don't do ____ anymore/enough."
8. I'm tired of the snide, confrontational attitude when we fight.
9. I'm tired of being interrupted when I'm trying to tell my side.
10. I'm tired of your ultra-sensitivity about everything.
11. I'm tired of being told I don't do enough around the house.
12. I'm tired of you being sick at least one week out of every month.
13. I'm tired of having a wife that I can't flirt with and make sexual innuendos with -- without her getting mad.
14. I'm tired of remembering all the fights and hurts and things that have been said.
15. I'm tired of always trying to be the peacemaker and the first to apologize.
16. I'm tired of feeling like a meal ticket.
17. I'm tired of being asked the same questions, over and over -- yet you flip out when I repeat myself.
18. I'm tired of the double standards.
19. I'm tired of the hypocrisy.
20. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, always trying not to irritate you.
21. I'm tired of the 50/50 chance that if we drink, we'll end up in a fight.
22. I'm tired of feeling like you're only attracted to me when you're drinking.
23. I'm tired of rubbing your back, feet or giving messages that aren't reciprocated.
24. I'm tired of giving oral sex that isn't reciprocated.
25. I'm tired of having a wife that won't participate in a fundamental part (sex) of a relationship.
26. I'm tired of how complicated sex has become.
27. I'm tired of hoping things will go back to what they were in the beginning.
28. I'm tired of thinking about all of it.
29. I'm tired of the empty promises of change.
30. I'm tired of the small changes that never last.
31. I'm tired of always being accused of things.
32. I'm tired of your irrational behavior.
33. I'm tired of your accusations.
34. I'm tired of your rage.
35. I'm tired of your drinking.
36. I'm tired of being treated like a child.
37. I'm tired of being bossed around.
38. I'm tired of being alone in a marriage.
39. I'm tired of not laughing.
40. I'm tired of the constant criticism.
41. I'm tired of being nagged about every little thing.
42. I'm tired of being bullied.
43. I'm tired of not being appreciated.
44. I'm tired of being sad.
45. I'm tired of the tension in our house.
46. I'm tired of fighting about sex.
47. I'm tired of the awkwardness.
48. I'm tired of not being desired.
49. I'm tired of not being listened to.
50. I'm tired of being accused of being a know-it-all.
51. I'm tired of you being more affectionate to the cat than to me.
52. I'm tired of never being given the benefit of the doubt.
53. I'm tired of being accused of saying things I didn't say.
54. I'm tired of doing things to be sweet that go unnoticed -- tacos, Gatorade, etc.
55. I'm tired of you being verbally abusive, then accusing me of abuse.
56. I'm tired of seeming to be the only one that notices or cares about the relationship.
57. I'm tired of being picked on over little things.
58. I'm tired of being belittled.
59. I'm tired of not feeling like a man.
60. I'm tired of being insulted.
61. I'm tired of being put down.
62. I'm tired of the instability in our relationship.
63. I'm tired of remembering who we used to be.
64. I'm tired of missing the romantic moments we used to share.
65. I'm tired of making an effort that gets criticized.
66. I'm tired of feeling like I got the bait and switch.
67. I'm tired of my ideas and wants being criticized while I support yours.
68. I'm tired of feeling like I have no say in things.
69. I'm tired of not being able to buy things I want, when I tell you all the time, "go ahead, if you want it."
70. I'm tired of waiting for things to change.
71. I'm tired of being bored.
72. I'm tired of the rut we're in.
73. I'm tired of being blamed for everything.
74. I'm tired of being in limbo about our future.
75. I'm tired of being indecisive.
76. I'm tired of the huge communication problems we have.
77. I'm tired of our conflicting personalities.
78. I'm tired of feeling like immature teenagers in this relationship.
79. I'm tired of your immaturity.
80. I'm tired of your inadequate conflict resolution skills.
81. I'm tired of your inability to be sympathetic to my views, feelings, etc.
82. I'm tired of your selfishness.
83. I'm tired of your negativity.
84. I'm tired of your unhappiness.
85. I'm tired of your insecurities.
86. I'm tired of you complaining every year about wanting a new job -- but never doing anything about it.
87. I'm tired of you not wanting to do anything together.
88. I'm tired of you getting to be the sensitive one -- I'm not supposed to have feelings.
89. I'm tired of you reading too much into things and coming to negative conclusions.
90. I'm tired of having a difficult relationship with you.
91. I'm tired of the distance.
92. I'm tired of not being in a loving relationship.
93. I'm tired of not being a team.
94. I'm tired of being questioned about every little thing.
95. I'm tired of being spineless.
96. I'm tired of not being respected.
97. I'm tired of being told how to do everything.
98. I'm tired of not having the spark we had in the beginning.
99. I'm tired of thinking of the loss of spark and how to get it back.
100. I'm tired of the fighting that has ruined every trip we've been on since Las Vegas.
101. I'm tired of remembering our disastrous wedding night and disastrous honeymoon.
I feel so sad when I read this list. It so adds it all up, doesn't it?
The list shows clearly how hard we try to make relationships with a wounded Borderline work; how we give ourselves away an inch at a time (ending up ashamed of ourselves); the unfairness of the Borderline's misperceptions and later criticisms, belittling statements and off-the-wall rages (for such seemingly small things).
It's interesting to me to see how the list progresses -- from the beginning statements of the Borderline's hurtful behavior; into an awareness of what's happening to the partner (the bullying, lack of intimacy, lack of sexual love, lack of respect); sliding into humiliation (not feeling like a man, feeling belittled, insulted and put down); finishing up with feelling downright tricked.
Since I coach partners of Borderlines now, I especially noted #'s 100 and 101. They show how soon the Borderline behaviors showed up in this man's relationship with his wife -- their honeymoon night.
This isn't unusual. Remember that Borderline hurtful behavior is triggered by intimacy -- our intimacy with them. It scares the heck out of them. They're afraid to let anyone too close (old fears from what happened to them in their past) and they're scared they'll be abandoned (again, old fears from what happened to them in their past).
One woman told me the Borderline behavior showed up the afternoon of her wedding reception -- her new husband was furiously jealous of her even laughing with one of the groomsmen. And it was downhill from there.
How do you feel when you read this list of behaviors? Have you experienced behavior like this from your partner? Click the Comments link below to share your story with us. Your story might help another man.
Hello, Dennis --
I can 'hear' your sadness in just reading your words. I'm so sorry you've been beaten down so far, but there is hope.
Number one, have you picked up my Boomerang Love book? It's available on my www.boomeranglove.com web site, where you can click on thru to Amazon's Kindle program if you want an ebook quickly.
I'm not being self-promoting, I just know from what readers have said that my book will validate all of your feelings of having been unfairly treated, tricked, misunderstood . . . and your love trampled on. You will feel validated, which is very important.
You say you're feeling isolated. After reading my book, I would hope you would be able to cast off the male feelings of shame over having been brow-beaten by a woman.
It's important that you get support by beginning to tell your close friends, your family, your pastor at your church, anyone you can trust, about what you've been experiencing. I think you'll be surprised at the people around you who've been watching from afar and have been concerned, but have said nothing to you.
If you have trouble talking, you might do what one of my coaching clients did -- hand my book to others and say that's what you've been living with.
Of course, talking with a therapist is always helpful, but if you can't afford that, another free option is Co-Dependents Anonymous.
The wonderful people in those rooms literally held my pieces together while I gained my strength back, after the last 'boomerang' leaving of my Borderline partner.
You can search the Internet for Co-Dependents Anonymous by zip code for meetings. They will list a contact person (by first name only, because the group is true to the 'anonymous' pledge).
Be sure to call the contact person, to check that the meeting is still current and to have someone to greet you when you arrive.
You'l find people there just like you, struggling to overcome abusive behavior. Since you say your Borderline partner is "high functioning", you'll possibly hear stories even worse than yours at those meetings.
There are many kind, loving, endlessly forgiving people like you . . . struggling to heal from the hurts from abuse, grieve the death of the love they 'thought' they had from their Borderline partner, and gain the strength to move on.
You can do it. Keep us posted.
Lynn Melville
Author, Breaking Free
from Boomerang Love
Posted by: Lynn Melville | February 07, 2010 at 10:49 PM
I found this site and another while searching the Internet for help to deal with my increasing depression, isolation, and nightmares. Reading what emotional abuse is and information on this site I have only now begun to see the extent of how abused I have been. I have always been a strong person. I feel like I am a weak broken shell of the man I once was. I never knew what BPD was but clearly see and feel the damage a high functioning person with this disorder can perpetrate on a loving and caring soul.
Posted by: Dennis | February 07, 2010 at 12:34 AM
Hello, Ray --
I understand what you mean -- how do we explain to another person the behavior of somone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder when that person hasn't witnessed the Borderline behavior themselves? Since the behavior usually has no basis in reality, it's hard for others -- even professionals who haven't lived with a Borderline -- to really believe that the behavior happens. Bless you for staying to help your daughter. There were four children in my family, and my father stayed, even after the therapist told him to "run for his life". I believe that if he hadn't done that, and showered us with his hugs and love, we'd all be alcholics and drug addicts today. Do reach out for support from family and friends -- and give CoDependents Anonymous a try. They have an online web site that lists meetings. Co-DA was one of the best gifts I ever gave myself. I credit those loving members for holding my pieces together as I struggled to rise above abusive Borderline Personality behavior. You can do it, and your daughter will be forever grateful to you.
Posted by: Lynn Melville | November 18, 2009 at 10:19 PM
Thank you for your posting,
to explain to someone ( a professional ) of my experainces has ben hard becasuse the abuse is all verbal and mind games.
I have long since just accepted the abuse becasue I would lose my daughter if I left, but now shes's 5 and she has no defense to the same abuse I get, ( i can ignore, or leave. my daughter can't.
But the courts gave her physical cusotody becasue, she is a women, did not matter that sh left and was really homeless and had no way of supporting my daughter.
She came back.
Posted by: Ray | November 17, 2009 at 04:58 PM
My God!! Thank you for posting this.
As I read this I was almost brought to tears. I am a man in that situation right now. The last 10 years of my marriage was echoed in this article.
Though we have been in counseling (and emotional abuse has not come up) I decide to research male emotional abuse today- ona hunch.
I know know why I feel the way I feel.. why I have been going through and what my wife is doing to me... what I have allowed.
I have to take a stand for my self esteem, pride, manhood, family..and my life. Whether she chooses to get help and walk beside me is her choice.
Posted by: TJ Andrews | May 28, 2009 at 08:51 AM
Hello, Lon -- Yes, abuse can be hard to recognize because it starts in such small ways, escalating over time.
And if we were raised by a parent who didn't treat us well (abuse again), we didn't know we were being abused.
So when someone treats us badly as an adult, it feels sort'a normal. It's not until it gets really bad that we begin to realize that things aren't right.
Glad to hear that you're progressing in your recovery from your narcissistic Borderline relationship.
You might try Co-Dependents Anonymous.
Going to those meetings was one of the best gifts I ever gave myself. It helped me see my part in the boomerang love dance, so I would have a chance of not choosing another partner who would hurt me again.
Posted by: Lynn Melville | March 17, 2009 at 01:36 AM
oh wow this list sounds so much like my ex girlfriend,A dear friend of mine suggested that I might have been abused but I never put much stock in it till I read this article.She might be a borderline but she also shows signs of a classic narcissist.I's just now that 2 years have passed that I can see her for what she really is,Thank you so much for this list and I look forward to reading more as I make progress in my recovery.
Posted by: Lon Hicks | December 14, 2008 at 09:44 AM
Oh, Don. I can't tell you how many times people I've coached have given up their livelihoods, careers and countries -- to be with a Borderline, only to discover the dark side of that disorder.
One of the big things I notice is your having had a very traumatic experience with a lover. Those kinds of happenings leave us emotionally very vulnerable to Borderlines. They frequently know how to offer us what we're so needing emotionaly, until we're hooked and commit to them. Then the mask slowly comes off.
My big question to you now is about how you might get some money to get home. Do you have family or friends back home who could loan you the money?
Lynn
Posted by: Lynn Melville | December 06, 2008 at 11:49 PM
Holy moly...as I read this I can only think of how I'm being treated now...I gaveup everything and traveled hafway aroudn the world to be with my new wife...I thought it was what she needed to be happy aain...she'd lost her spark...It's the worst mistake of my life...now Im here, abandoned and she's taken all the money I have and threatens to jail me in this foreign country. When I try to talk to her, she's alway stalking abou "conditions:. My mind is blown...I'm about to give up on life altogether...I can't get home. I don't speak the language here...Ilost the greatest love of my life to homicide 8 years ago by a mad man that couldn't bear to see her wit another man...so he commited the ultimate in domestic violence...he murdered her...I need help
Posted by: Don | December 06, 2008 at 01:27 AM
Yes, Chris, being blamed for the feelings a Borderline feels seems to be a basic pain that happens over and over when we're in a relationship with them.
But there's a grain of truth in what the Borderline says when they say what has happened is our fault.
We do something (stuck in traffic and so get home late from work, make a comment about wishing for something else for dinner, etc.) and it triggers a surge of emotional h*** inside the Borderline.
So from where they are, standing there with the internal chaos going on (fear that we're going to leave them, feeling rejected over our wish to eat something different -- and therefore, fear that we'll leave them) -- it's seems obvious to them that if we hadn't 'done what we did' -- they would't 'feel what they feel'.
Does that make sense? I know it's backwards, but the abuse of a Borderline towards us makes perfect sense to them.
And so there we are, in an abusive relationship, being punished by a Borderline, when all we did was come home late from work.
All we can do -- to save ourselves from the depression and future stress illnesses -- is to leave (if the Borderline we love can't 'see' that they're incorrect and be willing to go for help).
It's a terrible dilemma for us, because we sense that they're ill -- yet if we don't take care of ourselves, we many times end up sicker than they are.
Your comment refers to what sounds like a past relationship, so I hope you are healing a little more each day.
Lynn Melville
Posted by: Lynn Melville | October 14, 2008 at 09:56 AM
I felt as if I had written this list. This is exactly how I feel or felt in my last relationship. I was clearly abused, but I was made to believe it was all my fault and I was the abuser.
Posted by: Chris | October 11, 2008 at 03:18 PM